Some things aren't meant to be known
by Keytasker
Summary: Kyle, your ordinary everyday teen, is mysteriously dropped in the world of Pokemon Blue Version. There he remains trapped until he completes his Pokedex. A sardonic parody of the Generation I games.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own any Pokemon-related intellectual property. This is just a fan story.

AN: This story begins in a parallel universe where the Pokemon franchise does not exist, so our protagonist has no experience or knowledge whatsoever when he is mysteriously dropped into a Pokemon Blue Version game. This story is primarily a parody of some of the more quirkier aspects of the Gameboy games, so it adheres very closely to actual gameplay, and mostly ignores elements that appear in the Anime or Manga (although I couldn't resist dropping in one Anime reference at the very end of the first chapter).

Kyle, on the whole, was a rather ordinary boy. He was that sort of unremarkable everyman who has a tendency in works of fiction to suddenly get thrust, for no apparent reason, into amazing new fantasy worlds replete with thrilling challenges that now must be faced by this bemused outsider. Fortunately for Kyle (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view), this is indeed a work of fiction, and Kyle's life was about to be changed forever.

Walking home from school one day, he was approached by a tall, mysterious man in a trench coat, whose eyes were predictably hidden behind sunglasses.

"Look, whatever you're selling, I'm not interested," said Kyle preemptively.

"Not selling anything," the man replied. "Just have a little offer to make you." With a wicked grin, he pulled two large pills out of his pocket: red and blue.

"So let me guess: if I take the red pill, I'll see some trippy True Reality ™ and if I take the blue pill, you'll just leave me alone and let me go home?"

"Nah! I'll admit freely that neither are some deeper reality – they're just interesting game worlds."

"Well thanks for the offer, but I better be going."

The trench coat man was crestfallen. "Aw c'mon, it'll be fun!" Kyle started walking away. Now the trench coat man was desperate. "I'll give you $150 to try one" he shouted frantically. _That_ got Kyle's attention.

"All right, let's see the money." The trench coat man produced three fifties. "You promise me these pills aren't poison or anything."

"Yep."

Kyle considered; somehow this man seemed a little too pathetic and kooky to be dangerous. Against his better judgment, he heard himself saying "Ah, what the heck, I'll do it. So exactly what kind of game world is it?"

"It's the exciting world of Pocket Monsters!"

"Is that supposed to be some creepy sexual innuendo?"

"No! They're real monsters! You catch them, you train them, and then you become TEH ULTIMATE MASTAH!"

This was going to be the easiest $150 he would ever make in his life. Playing along for a few more seconds, Kyle asked this poor demented soul when the game would be over.

"The game is over," he said, that wicked grin flashing again, "when you Catch 'em All! So which will it be: the red or blue pill?"

"Cash first" insisted Kyle. The trench coat man handed over the money, and Kyle took the blue pill.

Suddenly, the world faded away.

Oh snap! That pill wasn't supposed to actually _do anything!_

Kyle was now in some sort of white void. Gradually, an old man in a lab coat faded into view. _It really was a game world!_

"Hello there!" said the lab coat man. "Welcome to the world of Pokemon! My name is Oak; people call me the Pokemon Professor!"

Oak vanished, and in his place, a hideous looking creature which resembled a cross between a rhino and a dinosaur appeared. Oak's voice continued.

"This world is inhabited by creatures called Pokemon. For some people, Pokemon are pets. Others use them for fights. Myself… I study Pokemon as a profession!"

The Pokemon disappeared and Oak returned. "First," he asked, "what is your name?"

"Me? I'm Kyle," Kyle answered weakly. He had only been half listening, as his mind was mostly still dwelling on the fact that _it freaking really was a game world!_

Oak vanished once again, and some smug little punk with a distinctive hairstyle that just made you want to hate him appeared.

"This is my grandson. He's been your rival since you were a baby. Erm… what was his name again?"

"You're asking me? How should I know? He's your grandson!"

"Well, I'm totally blanking at the moment, so please help me out."

"He kind of looks like a dick" Kyle offered.

"Ah, that's right, I remember now! His name is Dick! As for you Kyle, your very own Pokemon legend is about to unfold! A world of dreams and adventures with Pokemon awaits! Let's go!"

For the final time, Oak vanished, and at last, a world began to come into focus. Kyle sat in front of a SNES in a bedroom. In the room's four corners, there was a staircase, a computer, a bed, and a hideous mini palm tree. The computer, though it looked like it was probably made around 1995, was the most interesting of the quartet, and Kyle immediately walked over and turned it on. There was but a single icon on the desktop, labeled 'Potion'. *Click!* The icon disappeared, and an effervescent liquid began spilling out of the floppy disk drive. As Kyle yelled in horror, the liquid stopped spilling and suddenly solidified into a small purple bottle.

"OK, that was just about the freakiest thing I've ever seen. So what does this 'potion' do?" The bottle's small label read '20 Hit Points' but otherwise gave no indication. Kyle shrugged and put the potion in his backpack, which he had brought along from the real world. Then he headed for the staircase.

Downstairs, the single room was furnished with a TV, bookshelves, a table with chairs, and more of those tacky palm trees. "Oh Kyle!" said a cheerful young adult woman sitting at the table, "I want you to know that it's all right that you're leaving home – you are 10 after all!"

"Well, I'm actually 16, but thanks for the vote of confidence, uh, 'mom.'"

'Mom' nodded approvingly. "The TV is definitive proof that all boys your age leave home." She had said it earnestly, without the slightest hint of sarcasm. On the TV, some crappy movie from the '80s was playing. Four younger boys were walking along the railroad tracks. _Wow, _though Kyle, _parents in this world have some seriously messed up evidentiary standards. And how about this house! No bathroom, no kitchen, no parents bedroom – just some tacky vegetation and a few mid-90s electronics!_

Walking outside, Kyle couldn't help but crack a smile at the shameless and gaudy "Dick's House" sign across the street. On the other hand, his own home's "Kyle's House" sign was admittedly just as cringe worthy. Briefly ducking back inside, he told 'mom' that she might want to consider taking that one down, especially now that he was supposed to be striking out on his own. With that done, Kyle began to explore this odd little town.

Fifteen minutes later, Kyle had learned that he was in Pallet Town, that this world had a bizarre fetish for putting up wildly unnecessary signs, that somehow the world's dialup-era technology was capable of actually storing Pokemon in addition to the potion he'd accidentally 'downloaded', that Pokemon were primarily used for blood-sport (and this was considered morally acceptable), that Dick had a totally smoking hot older sister, that the town contained two residents who apparently had no home or family whatsoever but simply wandered around outside indefinitely, and that he was supposed to find that Professor Oak fellow in order to kick off his mission. But Oak proved elusive, and mysteriously showed only when Kyle had given up and started to head out of town.

"Where were you?" asked Kyle. "I looked literally _everywhere_ within the city limits!"

"Some things aren't meant to be known," Oak replied, "like why I'll forever leave, Pokeball unopened, the third remaining Pokemon on the table instead of giving it to someone who could actually use it." His voice then suddenly became a lot more frantic and maniacal. "Some day, you'll come to me begging for that last Pokemon, or at least begging me to give it to someone else - _anybody else _- so you could at least trade for it. And when that happens," he said as a horrifyingly devilish smirk spread across his face "I will blankly refuse and not even pretend to advance an adequate reason why. It makes absolutely no sense, but sometimes in the world (or this world at least) you've got no choice but to surrender and accept utter irrationality." After saying this, Oak's instantly snapped back into his non-evil mode. "Ahem, so as I was saying, let's get to my lab."

* * *

"So let me get this straight – I'm supposed to choose between a foam-breathing turtle, a fire-breathing lizard, or a dinosaur Chia Pet?"

"That is indeed your choice Kyle."

"And then I'm supposed to leave Pallet Town and use my new mutant reptile friend to defend myself when other Pokemon attack?"

"I'd say you've got the concept down."

"OK, you've got to help me out here, because I'm sure I must be missing something. Why are wild Pokemon going to be attacking me?"

"That's a good question," admitted Professor Oak, "I think mostly it's because they're just jerks, but your guess is as good as mine."

"You're the freaking leading authority on Pokemon," shouted Kyle, "surely you've done some sort of behavioral research!"

"Some things," Oak replied with visible relish, "aren't meant to be known."

Kyle wasn't interested in seeing maniacal!Oak again, so he decided to drop the issue and choose his starter. "By the way, thanks for offering to let me choose first Dick."

"Oh believe me," said Dick, a little too happily, "I wouldn't have it any other way."

Kyle chose Squirtle, and Dick immediately followed by picking Bulbasaur. Kyle turned to leave the lab, but before he could take a step, Dick tackled him.

"You ain't going nowhere sucka! We're having some hardcore grass on water action first!"

"Dick," said Kyle, only barely suppressing an indomitable urge to punch him, "that is the most wrong thing I've heard anyone say all morning – and believe me, the competition is tough! But I really, really, really don't feel like having a Pokemon battle right now."

"KYLE!" thundered Oak, "when a trainer challenges you to a battle you are _required_ by 893 years of unbroken tradition to accept!"

"What if it's obvious that I'm going to lose, and it will only bring my Pokemon pain?"

"Tradition," Oak said as gravely as he knew how, "is tradition."

Whatever – he'd have this one little battle to mollify Oak and Dick now and dwell upon how effed up this game world was later. Kyle sent out Squirtle and Oak informed him that it could tackle or tail whip. For his first few turns, Kyle ordered tail whip, while Dick had Bulbasaur tackle. It wasn't long before Squirtle looked about ready to drop, while Bulbasaur still appeared to be in perfect condition.

_What a useless move – why in the world would anyone want to use tail whip? I'm using tackle from now on. _Dick meanwhile, was laughing. "Unless you've got some secret potion up your sleeve, this battle's about to be over!" His mouth dropped open when Kyle, making the connection, produced the potion from his backpack. Three tackles later, Dick's Bulbasaur fainted, causing Kyle to gasp in horror.

"_I've killed it._"

"Haha, of course not!" laughed Oak. He slipped some strange medicine in Bulbasaur's mouth, and instantly, it sprang back to life like nothing had happened. Dick collected Bulbasaur, and briskly headed out, embarrassed by his loss.

"Pokemon don't die in battles," explained Oak, "they only faint, and a Max Revive tablet or a Pokemon center will restore them to perfect health. But, I must say, your concern is very reasonable. _Why don't they die?_ Given the violence of the battles they're involved in, they really ought to. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. But, my dear Kyle, as you've hopefully learned by now, there are some things…"

"…which aren't meant to be known" finished Kyle. "I got it."

"Now you're catching on! Oh, and before I forget, there's something that I'd like you to take with you as you travel to Viridian." Oak handed Kyle a tape recorder. Inside was a cassette which bore the strange instructions 'play only when heading toward Viridian City.'

"Let me make you a promise: as difficult as this day has probably been for you, listening to this song will more than make up for it."

Heading north on Route 1, Kyle apprehensively turned on the tape recorder, and heard what can only be described as the absolute pinnacle of 1990s awesomeness. And for the first time all day, Professor Oak began to grow on him.

(to be continued)


	2. Chapter 2

Kyle was returning with Oak's parcel to Pallet Town when a chubby pigeon appeared. "So, is this the part where I send out my pet turtle, and have it fight to the so-totally-not-death with this wild bird?" The tubby bird flapped its wings, creating a disproportionately strong gust of wind that knocked Kyle off his feet. "Guess so."

A few tackles later, the Pidgey collapsed from exhaustion. Kyle didn't have any Pokeballs on him, but Pallet was just five squares away, and Professor Oak would probably have some spare ones. He picked up the fainted Pidgey and finished the journey.

When Oak saw the Pokemon in Kyle's arms, the now familiar wicked grin spread across his face. _Uh-oh, _thought Kyle,_ I'm about to learn something majorly irrational. _

"Why is that Pokemon not in its Pokeball?" asked Oak, visibly relishing every syllable.

"Well, my turtle battled it, and it fainted, and I didn't have any Pokeballs to capture it with."

"Dear me, first you refuse to battle Dick, and now this! You certainly do need a crash course in basic protocol don't you? Well listen closely, because I'll say this only once: Pokemon must be caught by Pokeball – they cannot just be picked up. 893 years of unbroken tradition…"

"Wait a moment! Are you telling me that Pokeball technology existed in the early 1100s?"

Oak glared furiously, and Kyle perceived that he ought to keep his mouth shut for the duration.

In an icy tone, Oak began again. "An unbroken tradition of indeterminate length, coextensive with the time elapsed since the mass market introduction of Pokeballs, dictates that their use is obligatory for acquiring Pokemon. But even if you had used a Pokeball, your capture of Pidgey would still have been invalid, because tradition also dictates that Pokemon cannot be caught after they faint."

Kyle couldn't help himself. "WHAT! That is the most moronic rule I've ever heard of! So we're just supposed to leave fainted Pokemon lying lifelessly along national routes?"

Oak didn't answer, and instead laughed maniacally, letting the utter absurdity of the protocols continue to sink into Kyle's mind for another minute. Then, without warning, Oak instantaneously snapped back into his 'normal' persona. "Well, I'll take care of that Pidgey, and is that a package for me?"

Before Kyle could answer, the shrill cry of "Gramps, I'm here!" pierced the air. _Somehow, Dick manages to pull off the impossible feat of being even more annoying than Oak, _thought Kyle.

"Ah yes, thank you for coming! You two are here because I'm drafting you into a mercilessly difficult research project." He pointed at two electronic devices on a nearby table. "These are Pokedexes. When you catch Pokemon, this device will automatically record height, weight, species, and a fun fact. Your job is to catch every Pokemon and make this tacky novelty device complete."

Kyle suddenly remembered what the mysterious stranger who got him stuck in this game world had said: "the game is over when you Catch 'em All!" Kyle got a sinking feeling as he asked the all-important question. "Professor, just how many species of Pokemon are there?"

"One hundred and fifty" replied Oak.

One for every dollar the man in the trench coat had given him! In fairness though, 150 wasn't too bad. Kyle had dreaded getting an answer like, say, "six hundred and forty nine." A number like _that_ would, of course, have been completely beyond the pale of sanity, but you could never be too sure, since sanity was in such short supply here in the Pokemon world. Well, the sooner he started, the sooner he would get out of this illogical place, so it was time to get moving.

"Oh, and yeah, this package is for you."

Oak took the parcel and opened it on the spot. The evil grin flashed again. "Ah yes, this is the custom Pokeball I ordered. You'll rue the day you brought me this at some point in the future."

_Don't take the bait, just get out_, thought Kyle to himself as he turned and left. After a quick trip to Dick's house for a chat with his smoking hot sister (all he got was a lousy regional map), he was on Route 1, once again heading toward Viridian City.

* * *

Viridian City was kind of boring, and hardly befitting of the epic song Kyle had heard about it. It had a locked gym, a one room schoolhouse, and a 75 year old coffee addict, and that was about it. Paths to the north and the west led out of town, and Kyle had no idea which one he should take. He chose wrongly.

"Hey, it's Kyle the clown, my wannabe rival. What are you doing on this route? Only a moron would try to get to Indigo Plateau without any badges!"

"Which begs the question, what are _you_ doing on this route?"

"Hey, how about a battle?" smirked Dick, ignoring Kyle's question. "I always enjoy whipping eager little pipsqueak trainers who are in over their heads."

_Just run away, like you did from that purple rat that appeared on Route 1. Oak will never know. _Then, from the Pokedex, Kyle heard Oak's voice. "I know what you're trying to do! Go back and accept Dick's challenge. I will not let you end 893 years of unbroken tradition."

"Well done Professor, well done" admitted Kyle in a defeated voice. "My mission requires keeping the Pokedex on me at all times, and through the Pokedex, you'll be able to stop me if I attempt to break any protocols. Brilliant and ingenious professor."

"I'm merely insuring that tradition is upheld" replied Oak, pretending to sound humble. Oak, unlike Dick who was just an irritating twit, was a worthy opponent, and he commanded Kyle's grudging respect. He walked back to Dick for the fight.

"Pidgey, sand-attack!" commanded Dick. The battle was over before it began; Squirtle never managed to tackle Pidgey, and after a few sand-attacks and gusts, Squirtle unceremoniously fainted.

"Loser!" taunted Dick, who proceeded to punch Kyle in the face. Hard.

He woke up half an hour later in the Viridian Pokemon Center. "It's lucky that loyal friend of yours brought you here," observed a nurse as Kyle's eyes blinked open, "who knows when we would have found you otherwise. Here's your Squirtle," she said, handing him a Pokeball. "As for your medical bill, your kind friend took care of that!"

Upon hearing this, Kyle reflexively opened his wallet. Half of his money was gone. "SON OF A BIGAMIST!" he shouted.

"Never heard that one before" said the nurse as Kyle stormed out.

* * *

Heading north this time, Kyle made his way into the Viridian forest. The only Pokemon here were hopelessly inept caterpillars and cocoons that proved pushovers for Squirtle. Kyle successfully caught one of the caterpillars, causing the Pokedex to beep excitedly. "Caterpie, a worm Pokemon. 1 foot, 6.4 pounds. Its short feet are tipped with suction pads that enable it to tirelessly climb slopes and walls" the electronic voice recited dutifully. Kyle was very underwhelmed. Apparently, here in Kanto, living creatures could be shrunk and compressed into electronic orange-sized balls, and this was taken for granted, but a Kindle-like guide to Pokemon with laughably brief and inadequate entries is considered cutting edge.

Kyle shelved these thoughts for the moment and tried to enjoy the trek through the trees, until he was interrupted by some tyke with a net. "Hey! You have Pokemon! Let's battle 'em!" Kyle groaned, but the bug catcher proved easy enough to defeat. Oddly though, he had not just a Caterpie but also a bee larva named Weedle.

Five minutes later, after having seen plenty more Caterpies and Metapods, another trainer battled Kyle, and this one had two Weedles, along with a bee pupa named Kakuna. "If you don't mind my asking, where do guys find all those Weedles?"

"Oh, they're everywhere!" replied the bug catcher. "What's darn near impossible to find here are Caterpies." Kyle stared at the trainer, who clearly wasn't joking or anything like that. He was starting to sense a pattern here: trying to apply logic to this game world would always result in frustration. He was starting to get used to it – he hadn't even batted an eye at the bee larvae having stingers on their head for no good reason.

He was nearly out of the forest when one final trainer ambushed him. He had only one Weedle, but this one was quite strong, and Squirtle only barely won, and was twitching painfully as the battle ended for some reason. Shortly after leaving the forest, Squirtle's Pokeball beeped, and a voice announced that it had fainted from poison. "Well that's a dirty rotten trick!" said Kyle angrily. With only Caterpie left to defend him, He quickly darted to the Pokemon Center he saw in the distance. One of the over-plentiful signs he passed on the way informed him that this was Pewter City.

After getting his Pokemon healed, Kyle explored Pewter. Like Viridian, this new city was rather boring. Even the museum was unmemorable, except for a rather depressing exhibit about Space Shuttle Columbia. But the Gym was actually open in this city, and from what people around town said, its leader, Brock, was a real challenge. Kyle therefore spent some time on Route 2 training his Pokemon. He watched Caterpie evolved into Metapod, and then Butterfree, and also caught a Pidgey (for real this time). If the notes of that girl in Viridian were to be believed, Brock was one of the eight toughest trainers in Kanto, and given how easily he had lost to Dick on Route 22, his Pokemon would probably need to grow a lot to even have a chance at taking down Brock.

At last, Kyle ventured into the Pewter gym, fully aware that he would probably lose, but wanting to test the waters. Two large statues at the front purported to list winning trainers, and the only name so far was… Dick! Did this gym only open last week or something? Was Dick really the only person to have ever beaten Brock? Kyle continued forward, and easily dispatched another trainer's mole and pangolin using Squirtle's newly learned bubble attack. It was now time to face Brock, an eyeless fellow who kept his arms perpetually crossed.

Kyle sent out Butterfree, while Brock sent out a living rock with arms. But the rock had no answer for Butterfree's confusion attack, and fainted surprisingly quickly. "Well done friend," said Brock, "but Geodude was just a small warm-up for the real terror, Onix!" Kyle recalled Butterfree and sent out Squirtle, while Brock released an enormous rock snake that filled the gym.

_Crap! I'm dead, _thought Kyle. "Uh, bubble attack Squirtle?" he said feebly. An oddly confident looking Squirtle sprayed a string of bubbles at Onix, who recoiled massively as if being hit by acid. It let out an earsplitting screech, but Squirtle looked unscathed. "All right then, bubble again!" Onix writhed painfully as the bubbles made contact. The behemoth train of jagged boulders was no match for the trail of frothy foam. Onix fainted after one final bubble attack.

"Well that's that," remarked Brock, recalling the fainted Onix, "I took you for granted, but you are the winner. Here's the Boulderbadge for proof of your victory, and a sweet new technical machine as an extra reward."

Kyle stood dazed and stunned, and finally he absentmindedly grabbed the badge and machine, and staggered toward the door, still unable to comprehend what had just happened. _That _was one of the eight best trainers in the land? _Foam _took down that gigantic rock abomination? Not for the first time that day, Kyle's head started to hurt, and he decided not to think about it anymore. The first gym was now in the past, and he still had 145 Pokemon to collect.


End file.
